Finding Your Way Back

When two people fall in love and interact with one another for months and years, a strange thing happens neurobiologically: their brains “grow into” one another, and remodel in similar ways. Brains do this by “chunking” information together about your significant other’s traits as well as your shared routines to create short-cuts (brains like to be efficient!). Common short-cuts look like habits, shared jokes, beliefs about one another, assumptions about intentions, and typical arguments, etc. But brain short-cuts are largely auto-pilot reactions, which can eventually erode the aliveness and freshness of being together, resulting in feeling bored, distanced, or out of synch with one another.

If you find yourselves frequently bickering and arguing, if you find your partner often more irritating than soothing, if you’re not certain the feelings you used to have are running as deep as they once did, couples counseling is often a powerful path back to one another.

I use the evidence-based frameworks provided by Interpersonal Neurobiology, Internal Family Systems Therapy, and Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy, all informed by the work of Dr. John and Julie Gottman, non-violent communication research, and attachment theory principles to rediscover who you are now to each other and how to bring connection, caring, ease, and fun back into the relationship.

Rekindling Intimacy and Sex

Keeping things interesting and sexy in the bedroom over time can be a challenge - I should know: I’ve been married to my wife for over 20 years and we’ve lived together for over 30. But when we realize that the biggest sex organ is the mind, when we understand that a mind on autopilot often renders sex a dull routine, and when we acknowledge that we have unspoken fears and desires around sex, we can see a path back to intimacy and walk it together. Through frank conversations, trust exercises, sensory exploration work, and experimentation, having a rekindled sex life is no longer out of reach.

Deciding if You Want to Stay

Sometimes therapy is the last stop before deciding to break-up. There can be many reasons why the decision is so hard: Fear of being alone, worry about hurting your partner or damaging your children, or lack of clarity about whether the relationship is still salvageable. Sometimes we fold under the weight of guilt that says an unhealthy relationship is our fault, and so we stay in it. And sometimes we’re changing in fundamental ways our partner isn’t, and we’re not even sure where we as individuals are headed.

In a fairly short number of sessions with your partner (and a few alone with each of you), I can help a couple dig deep into unexpressed emotions and wisdom to decide if it is worth it to fight for the relationship, or confront the many obstacles to letting go and move on, as amicably as possible.